Is it possible that Murphy's Law can be in control for an entire year? Or is my perception tainted? It does sometimes seem like I am looking at the world through crap colored glasses.

Yesterday this is how my day went. I woke up (late) and was supposed to get my daugher up and out to cross-country practice. As I dashed from the bed, I stepped right in a pile of cat barf, that our darling little bundle of fur left right in my traffic path. There is nothing quite as pleasant as having cat sick squish through your toes first thing in the morning.

I grabbed the dog for a morning jog around the lake and she was not only being uncharacteristically disobedient, she must have eaten some bad bugs the day before. She not only took one dump (which I dutifully stopped my jog to bag up) but about 1/4 mile later, she had a blast of projectile diarrhea up wind of me. How, might I ask , is one supposed to bag that up?

Another 1/4 of a mile into the run, we encountered (I kid you not) a rattlesnake right next to the path, coiled up and ready to strike. Luckily I narrowly missed stepping right on it and miraculously, the dog, though off leash and out of my control that day, was five feet on the other side of it.

Those were the best parts of my day, as it turned out. Things proceeded to go downhill from there in so many ways that I can't possibly enumerate them here. Reviewing them in writing would be like the cold shock of undeniable truth you get seeing a snapshot of yourself in a bathing suit for the first time in ten years. You had no idea things were that bad and suddenly you have and inexplicable desire to ziploc your head inside of a bag and get it over with!

What is up with life lately anyway?

Well, it's that time of year again! It just now hit me with full-force that tomorrow is my daughter's last day of school for the year. Yikes!

When you have younger kids, this can be really fun. You look forward to summer camps,  long days at the pool, and picnics, etc. But since my daughter is seventeen, I have to admit that I look forward to this time with aprehension. Summers during the teenage years have followed a typical pattern in our household:

Week #1- mom, I can't clean my room or walk the dog or do anything but veg in front of the TV because I have to decompress from my long, grueling schoolyear of study.

Week #2- After I remind my daughter that the freebie week is over, basically nothing changes. I am still stepping over piles of clothing and trying desperately to contain the mess to her bedroom.

Week# 3- When I make the suggestion that she might want to finally clean out her backpack and take a gander at the long summer reading list she was assigned, I get some long-winded explanation of why she just doesn't have the time right now. Then my personal understanding of time is questioned (don't I know that the whole summer still lies ahead of us?) Why should we try to get a jump on things this early?

Week#4-Generally, it's time to be thinking about the best place to hang out with friends for the Fourth of July. With all of that pressure, the last thing we should worry about is homework or housework.

Week#5- I haven't seen my car or my daughter in weeks. If I want to go someplace, it'll have to be before teenage sunrise (at noon).

Week #6 - I give up trying to bulldoze her room and decide that she can wash her own clothes (provided they ever make it from the floor to the laundry room). As a result, she starts wearing her bathing suit everywhere which is automatically washed every time she goes to the pool so it's always clean (albeit a tad moldy if chucked in a corner). I add that she might just want to start showering in her clothes if she's going to use that logic. She rolls her eyes at me.

Week #7- Summer crush week. Some boy from the pool, or  the Fourth of July party has finally asked her out. The entire week is devoted to text messaging and updating her facebook page to read "in a relationship."

Week #8- Reconnecting with school friends who haven't been seen in 8 long weeks. No time for anything else between that and the boyfriend from week #7

Week #9- I begin staring longingly at the calendar for hours on end and counting the days until school is back in session.

Week#10- The "Mom, I don't have anything to wear when school starts again" week (no kidding, her entire wardrobe is dirty and on the floor). When I try to point this out I am reminded of how insensitive I am to the overwhelming demands of teenage life.

Week# 11- I can see the light at the end of the tunnel

Week#12- It's the final hurrah of summer. You have to make the most of your relaxation time before it's gone, Mom--duh.

24 hours til first day of school- "Mom, where did you put my summer reading list?"

You know, it is not often as the parent of a teenager that you see the fruits of your labors in parenting. More often than not, the teenage years seem to be all about rebelling against every single value you have tried to instill. But recently, my teenage daughter showed me a character trait that made me weep with pride.

I have made many mistakes in parenting, there is no doubt about that. But, I have tried to focus on the truly important lessons in life that it took me far too long to learn myself. One such lesson is that true nobility is not pretending to be better than anyone else; it is striving to always be better than you used to be. I have tried hard to teach my daughter to treat others with respect and always as equals. Last week, she proved to me that she had received that message loud and clear.

The origin of the word "snob" is that it was originally used to describe a shoemaker. Later, the word came to define those lacking in higher rank or status. How fitting. It couldn't be more true that those who believe that they are better than everyone else (those we now refer to as snobs) are truly the ones lacking in real status. When my daughter confronted someone with a runaway ego recently and defended someone else that the snob  had treated as inferior, I couldn't have been more proud if I had been watching her accept the Nobel Peace Prize. 

Lesson: Your kids really are listening when it counts. Don't give up on trying to teach them the difference between right and wrong.

P.S. My opinion in this matter was not at all jaded by the fact that the little snob also dissed my book!

As part of the ritual of welcoming spring, I always like to clean my closets, which I mean both literally and figuratively.  There is nothing like the cathartic feeling of emptying the clutter and dust bunnies from your life that have accumulated over the past few seasons (or God forbid, years). Now, I do realize that life doesn't always present us with the opportunities or incentives to accomplish this task on a spiritual level. It is undoubtedly much easier for us to spot the accumulation of old baggage in the hall closet than it is to spot the equivalent in our heads. However, life did indeed present an opportunity for me to rid myself of some of the detritus I was hanging onto recently, and I seized upon the chance like a lioness on a gazelle.

One thing that 98% of the people I have met in my life have in common is that they all seem to share some version of a story of heartache from a romantic relationship gone sour. If they weren't literally left at the altar or abandoned in divorce court,they have at least in some way, at some point in time, been uncerimoniously dumped for a younger, cuter, smarter version of themselves. As a result, most people have permanent scars on their self-esteem. They wish they could erase the feelingsof self-doubt that accompany those memories and never, EVER, allow themselves to think about the person that caused them again. But, somewhere in the tiny corners of their mind, they just can't let go. I am no exception to any of these human failings.

As many of you know, this very website launched in conjuction with the publication of my book in February. I have literally put myself on display in cyberspace and as a result have been contacted by many people I haven't heard from in years (all part of the magic of the information age). A person from the aformentioned "love dumper" category just happens to be one of those people who contacted me. Needless to say, there is nothing quite like having the door to one of those mental closets you had hoped had been permanently sealed off forced wide open. However, once the initial shock subsided, I was able to write to him. I hope what follows is an inspiration to you all. I have changed the names and some of the minor details to protect the guilty.

Dear Pete:

Wow! What a shock to hear from you after all these years! I can't believe it since our mutual acquaintence, Sarah, that the last she had heard, you had gone half-insane from some sort of horrific venerial infection. What a relief to hear that she was mistaken. Don't worry, I didn't share that information with anybody else with the exception of Beth Erickson from our old high school (who as you might remember was editor of the school newspaper, was voted class gossipmonger ,and now edits the alumni newsletter. But she assures me she has mended her ways).

What have I been up to the past 25 years? Well now that is a long story. Where do I begin? Well, as you can see from the website, I'm now an award-winning author. I know, go figure. Life has just been exceptionally good to me for some reason.

Shortly after you decided to end our relationship, I found out that some distant relative aunt (who I never even heard of) left me a small fortune (well, small-- that's what I'd like the IRS to believe at any rate)! So I actually spent quite a few years after college just globe-trotting and living the good life. It's so libertating to know that no matter what happens, you're covered financially for life!

Things have been a little weird in the health department however. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare anti-aging disease which is only present in .00000001% of the population (I know, just my luck). Anyway, it does not allow me to age like normal people and as a result, I'm destined to look 17 for the rest of my life! It's really weird not getting wrinkles or age spots like my friends. I'm actually starting to use a little gray hair dye on myself now and then just so I can look a little more mature. You have no idea how annoying it is to still get carded every time I walk into a liquor store to buy a simple bottle of wine!

In addition, try as I may, I've never been able to put on any weight. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be the only one of my friends who can still fit into her ninth grade cheerleading uniform? It just isn' normal. In fact, I just got a call from a photographer friend, Ralph, asking me if I'd be interested in posing for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue AGAIN.  I told him that although I really appreciated it, he needed to give the younger girls a chance while they still had time.

I did have a real scare with a serious virus I caught several years back which made my breasts swell. They went up two cup sizes and have never returned to normal. I have to have my bras specially made now, which as you can imagine is a real pain in the butt. Ah well, we all have our crosses to bear as they say.

I did get married to a wonderful man about 15 years ago. He's a real prince (well actually, since his country is now defunct, it's really just a ceremonial title we use when we visit the white house). The relationship is great even though he is from old money and I'm from new. It all spends the same is what I say! He is almost everything a girl could want. As an old friend, I feel I can confide in you however, that he's never quite been able to keep up with me in the bedroom (if you know what I mean).But it's not his fault that I'm so insatiable. Still, I wish sometimes that he would learn to kick back and relax American style once in awhile. I occasionally just prefer sitting with a few beers in front of the 103" plasma tv and watching the games all day instead of attending to his stinking need to just talk and cuddle. But no marriage is perfect, right?

Well, my friend, I really have to dash. My publisher just phoned to say that Oprah called again begging for me to come on and discuss the book. I really should get back to her.

I hope that your life has been all you dreamed it would be the day you walked out on me. I know mine has!

Regards,

Jana

Okay friends, please spare me the emails about the power of mercy and letting go. I am well aware of the fact that to forgive is truly divine. But I have to be honest and say that revenge is so much sweeter!

Jana Kaspar-Barnes is the author of The Adventures of Mom which is now on sale at Barnesandnoble.com, Amazon.com and Booksamillion.com. Visit her at her website, jkasparbarnes.com.